
My dog turns three in one hour.
The joke is that I put a beer in his bowl because he’ll be turning 3 which is 21 in dog years. I have been planning this joke for a week.
“youre always on your computer” well ur always on my nerves
do you ever stay in the shower for so long you forget who you are


SEND EVERYONE YOU KNOW A MORNING TEXT. WEAR A BOWTIE TODAY. HIGH FIVE STRANGERS. GIVE AWAY LOLLIPOPS. COMPLIMENT PEOPLE. STEAL A CHILD.
i’ve already done one of those and now he won’t stop crying and it’s annoying
must have been an aggressive high five
seven days without a pun makes one weak
baby, i don’t care about your stomach
or your legs
or how big your boobs are
i don’t care about you at all
leave me alone


I can’t decide if
- someone stabbed someone else over a cheeseburger
- someone stabbed someone else with a cheeseburger
- someone stabbed a cheeseburger
- a cheeseburger stabbed someone
- a cheeseburger stabbed another cheeseburger
is it too late to wrap myself up like a baby and drop myself off on a billionaire’s doorstep



